Windows 8.1 update failing to install

I've been really busy with a new job and haven't had much time to blog. Now things are settling down a bit, so here goes ...

Windows 8.1 is my favorite subject. I'm an user and it does have a lot of issues. This time I'm discussing my attempts to install The Windows 8.1 Update. Ok. Is that the stupidest name in the whole world, or can somebody come up with something that could be more confusing, lame and non-descriptive at the same time. Don't answer, somebody at Microsoft eventually will.

The thing with this "update" is that you need to have it installed, or else <insert a threat here>. One of the ideas of this weirdly named update (aka. "update") is that it is kinda service pack, but it is not. It seems to pack all the updates in an "update". Nice and warm thought. The problem is, that it won't install. No matter what I do. Really. It WON'T INSTALL!

What I initially got is a "Windows Update error 0x80073712". The fix has been discussied in The Windows Club article Fix: Windows Update error 0x800F081F in Windows 8.1 and a help article your Windows 8.1 will give if clicking "more information" at the Windows Update failure dialog. It will say: "If you receive Windows Update error 0x80073712 or 80073712, it means that a file needed by Windows Update is damaged or missing." Everybody pretty much instructs you to run following as an admin:

DISM.exe /Online /Cleanup-image /Scanhealth

Deployment Image Servicing and Management tool
Version: 6.3.9600.16384

Image Version: 6.3.9600.16384

[==========================100.0%==========================]
The component store is repairable.
The operation completed successfully.

Notice how this scanner found a problem and says "is repairable". If there is nothing to do the message would be "No component store corruption detected". The actual fix run goes as follows:

DISM.exe /Online /Cleanup-image /Restorehealth

Deployment Image Servicing and Management tool
Version: 6.3.9600.16384

Image Version: 6.3.9600.16384

[==========================100.0%==========================]
The restore operation completed successfully. The component store corruption was repaired.
The operation completed successfully.

I did that. 7 times. Rebooted the computer a couple of times between runs. No avail.

The second thing to do is to get a Windows Update troubleshooter. It will chew your computer a while and spit out something like this:

It basically does the same thing than the previous commands, but only has a nice GUI. No avail.

Then I thought that I'll download the update manually, it is available as KB2919355. There is a specific track to be followed when installing this, for example there are prerequisite updates that must exist on the machine for the "update" update to install. I did all that, but failed on the first prerequisite install. I tried a couple of times, but eventually gave up. No avail.

Since I had been attempting the install since April 2014 Microsoft updates came out. I was quite demotivated on this particular subject. My luck turned when June 2014 updates came out. There weren't many of those available, since the update I need called "update" wasn't updating. The total number of available updates on my computer was 3. My attempt of installing all of them at the same batch wasn't successful. Yet another 0x800blah error. Then I tried installing them individually. Same story. My luck turned when I did them in pairs. I got one of them to install! Amazing! Something wonderful happened and after a reboot the "update" was installed.

A reboot later my updated Windows 8.1 could see 22 new updates available. It worked!

Morale of the story:
Sometimes, even the stubborn idiot finds the kernel of corn. To this day I cannot comprehend what exactly happened and my Windows refused to do the good thing.

My message to Microsoft's Windows division is: Aow come on! Test these things once in a while. I'm pretty darn sure you know what the problem was, why not release a proper information how to get the darn update installed.